I Wish...

I don't want to stay here. I really don't. But I don't really want to go. I don't want to leave my mother behind, again. I can't. I can't let her stay here and have her health deteriorate and be 6 hours away. I just can't. So, if I can put off moving until a few years down the line, then that's fine.

But if she wants to move with me...that'd be better. That'd be so picture perfect. That'd be so ideal. We'd all be close to the whole family and it wouldn't kill us just to visit them. The family could become close again. We could be a real family again.

Our family used to be thisclose but now...Now we're in separate worlds. And it hurts. It hurts bad. I want my family back. My whole family back. Nay. I NEED my whole family back. NEED!

I need as much love and as many hearts with me as I can get right now. I can get through this just fine, but I need my family with me to push me through. I thought being selfish was the ticket. Move and be alone.

But now I realize that family is what I need. And yes, it is still selfish. But it's not as much as it was.

I need proper time to close chapters in my life. The truth of the matter is I could lose three "adult" influences. And soon.

My mother. Who, I always wanted to be like. In spirit. She never quit. Never. When people said she was too dumb to do nursing school, she went anyway. When people told her that she couldn't work as a nurse any more, she found a way. When they pushed her out and left her in the cold, she moved on. And when times got tough, she got tougher. And now, at 53, with 5 herniated discs, permanent nerve damage in her leg, a gob of heart and breathing problems, she needs me. I don't need her any more. Not in the sense that she has to take care of me.

It's my turn. I have to take responsibility and take care of my mother. I'm much younger than I ever thought I would be doing this, but that's life. I have to suck it up and just do it. I'm 25. Time to be a real woman. Mom, this one's for you:

"And it's run for the roses
As fast as you can
Your fate is delivered
Your moment's at hand
It's the chance of a lifetime
In a lifetime of chance
And it's high time you joined
In the dance
It's high time you joined
In the dance --"-Dan Fogelberg-"Run for the Roses"

My Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike is quite unique. You know that weird uncle you have? Yeah. Uncle Mike is him. Only weirder. Yes, he's arrogant. Yes, he's a pain. And yes, of course, he's a know-it-all. But honestly. I wouldn't have him any other way. And he was put on a pacemaker/defibrilator last summer. His heart works at 10%. He's ready to go. We're not ready to let him go. Uncle Mike and I have always had a rocky relationship. Pretty much because I wouldn't do things his way. Yeah. I'm as stubborn as he is. I'll admit it. We used to butt heads constantly. But I really do love the son of a bitch. Steven Hyde? Yeah. That's pretty much Uncle Mike. When it comes to musical taste, that is. And he's freaking smart, just ask him. He's the only guy I know that ever WANTED to become a CPA. Words aren't enough to give you the full picture. So, I'm going to shut up and sing.

"And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How evrything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll."-"Stairway to Heaven-Led Zeppelin

My Aunt Sheila. Aunt Sheila is a "forever child". She's my mother's sister,but it's like she's also mine. Because her brain didn't develop all the way. She has brain damage and is mentally retarded. She has Kearne-Sayers Syndrome, and some other things. Basically her brain is being eaten from the inside out. If you look at a CT scan of hers it's like somebody took a painbrush and just painted it white starting in the middle of her brain and going down her sprine. She has her good days, and her bad days. But even her good days are getting bad. Breathing is harder. Thinking is harder. Moving is harder. It's auto-immune. So it's like Lupus, but on fast forward and without the joint pain. She doesn't see the bad in anybody. Always the good. She isn't programmed that way. She's Christian in every sense of the word. If you need a hug. Just ask her for one. She'll give it to you. In a heartbeat. She's not stingy. In any way. Her Christian attitude is so strong, I was going to give her my hair when we thought it was a tumor/cancer. I was so moved by her spirit that I was willing to give up my pride. So, here's to her:

"Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so."-"Jesus Loves Me"- Unknown.

And there they are. Three reasons. Three influences. Three special people. Three chapters to close. This is why I need to move.