Out of Sorts

I feel so out of sorts right now.

Jessie told me that we need to take this thing easy. Make it more casual. And that basically, I am not marriage material. Because I've already had kids and he feels like he's paying for my sins. And that he wants a clean slate. Which was one of my biggest fears. But I was ok with it. WAS. Today, I'm just feeling rejected, and like I'm having an out-of-body experience. It seems so surreal. I thought...I don't know. I don't want to get married again. I was so not ready to be in a serious relationship again, but then my heart did that butterfly thing. And I told him I wasn't sure it wasn't just infatuation at first. And I don't know if it really is love anyway, but I'm pretty sure he's scared out of his mind especially if he's been reading these blog's because sometimes I feel like I feel things so intensely that I am a little intense at times and he told me that I'm playing all my cards at once and I don't know how else to play this and I have absolutely no mystery and whatever and I so don't feel like a woman anymore. And yay for run-ons! And of course the same old story of not having confidence and at least p made an effort to try and build me up and tell me how awesome i am even if he was lying. and i guess he sorta did that the other night and yeah i need to get out more i know. i know. but that requires going out into public and being seen and not trying to hide which i am good at. really. if i could do a job from my corner. that would be awesome. i don't like people looking at me. ever. i love sex with the lights off. i love the dark. and i never used to be this way before kyle. iloved to be looked at i loved when guys tripped over themselves around me. even at 15, i had power and then after kyle it all fell apart i gained a lot of weight and lost my confidence. the bigger i get the less confidence i have and i wish i could be like queen latifah and toccara really i do they exhume confidence and they are big but me im just shrinking in that departmen. and my energy level is that of a sloth lately and i used to have a lot of energy people used to tell me to slow down and now ive slowed down too much i feel so...not me. i miss the old susan. the susan of 10 years ago the one who would tell you to your face where to stick it the susan that got into trouble for her mouth all the time the not so timid susan i miss her she ate herself into oblivion and now im afraid it's too late to find her.