Broken Toilets: A Stream of Consciousness Event

I'm mad at Kyle, very mad at Kyle.  He's ruining everything, again. Because of him, I can't move on. Because of him, Josh is holding back. Because of him, I can't even go the 3,000 miles to meet the light of my life. Because of his selfishness, he moved back in. Because he moved back in, our old divorce became null and void. If I hadn't of been for my rash actions, we'd just now be starting the countdown to a year apart. If it weren't for his lies, I'd be free. Free to live. Free to love. Free to move on. So, yes, I'll admit it. I'm mad at Kyle. This whole mess is his. And I'm the one cleaning it up. I'm the one coming behind him, once again, with the mop and the broom and making everything OK. Or at least trying to.  I'm doing my best, and of course, my best isn't up to his standards. But does he help me get them to his standards? NO!  He'd rather be a no-good pain-in-the-ass, as usual. And he gets rewarded. Life hands him golden ticket after golden ticket. He has the house. He has a fiancé. He doesn't have to struggle. Everything is handed to him on a silver platter. EVERYTHING! And I keep telling myself how I'll get my chance one day and how one day karma will get him. And I have to believe it because if I don't I'd probably sob for hours upon hours everyday. But seriously, I'm waiting, life. I'm here. With my arms wide open. And I'm waiting for anyhing you have to offer me, good or bad. But I'd prefer good because after awhile all the bad is going to start to smell like shit. And nobody likes that smell because that's the kind of stink that don't come out. And I'd really like to forget some of this. I'd like to put it behind me and never look back. Because looking back causes accidents. And we all know that accidents are bad and can kill people. And we all know that killing people is never a good thing because people like it when they continue to live. Breathing. Living. They are two different but two very good things. And that's why people like them. Yep. And that's the truth. The solid gold forever truth.   

She Shoots, She Scores

I should probably start posting these on the day I write them. I just had to change "today" to "yesterday" like three times in the last entry. Sheesh!

So, the book is coming along better than hoped. I don't have quite as many wods written as I had hoped, but the ideas for scenes keep coming. I think I just wrote my ending scene last night, though.  I'm going to have to write a lot of hickey scenes soon, so, the research really needs to begin. I also need to figure out what city to set it in. I know I has to be up North because we don't have hockey teams down here, and it should be a city that has a ice skating rink/ hockey arena and at least three hospitals, so, it needs to be a big city. I could make something up, I guess. If you have city name ideas, let me know.  Oh! And I need to name the team and a rival team.  I'll let you know when I figure out these details. 

I went to visit the NaNoWriMo website last night and I realized that I don't have Internet on my computer yet. Oops!  I've been having a lot of those blond moments here lately. I MUST be falling in love. They happen more frequently if I'm falling. Although, I'm pretty sure I already fell, but whatever.  I just wish I knew what he's thinking. He's kinda hard to read lately. Must be the whole mourning thing. I've never really experienced it from this angle before. It's a whole new ballgame when it's a boyfriend. 

Kyle never lost anyone while we were together, not really. Angel (his dog) didn't  die until after we were separated, I think. And besides, a brother and and a dog are NOT the same. No matter how much you humanize it.  A dog is a dog. And yes, that is gonnna sound mean. And yes, I get the whole "part of the family" bit, but you just can't get that close to a dog. A dog can't tell you stories. You can't take a dog out to a movie.  You see where I'm going here. A pet is a pet, and that is all. Yes, you can love them, but they just don't love you back as a brother or sister would. -jumps off soapbox- Sorry. Got caught up. 

I just want it to be Friday. That is when the munchkins return. I just wish I could remember if I'm supposed to get then or if he's dropping them off. I should probably ask. I swear, though, if he acts like I'm an idiot for asking I'm not going to be too pleasant. I have a lot on my mind, and while I love my kids, knowing who is picking up/dropping off is not a priority. That's just the way it is.  End of story.

I Like To Talk To Myself

Dear Self,

This divorce is not your fault. The problem is him, not you. HE has control issues. HE couldn't handle who you were becoming. HE has issues. You did NOT make this relationship crumble. But now you know better, and you HAVE to rise above him. Keep ya head up!

Yours Completely,
Susan

How I Wish For December 1963

So, yesterday left me pretty drained, emotionally. It all started with a phonecall from his lawyer, a phonecall that I SHOULD have seen coming.

A bit o f the backstory: Monday I got served, that night I took myself and the girls to myself to my mom's to stay. This meant that by the time the phonecall came, he hadn't seen them in a couple of days. Why did I take them away? I found out, for sure, that he had bugged the house, which is illegal even if it's his house. I don't want nor do I need to be recorded. I was done.

Anyway, this particular phonecall was to inform me that we were going to meet with a judge in an ex parte custody hearing. That's right, folks. He tried to pull a fast one. He stated in his petition that I had taken the kids and moved into my mom's house, putting them in danger. Also, he said that I was emotionally and mentally unstable, that I was abusing the kids mentally as well as physically, that I need medication for my bipolar disorder, that I have attempted suicide, that I have confided in him that I wanted to hurt myself and others, and the list goes on. Basically, he was trying to say that I'm as dangerous as a cracked out mother. Yeah. Usually, an ex parte is used when the mother is a crackhead or an alcoholic. Not when she's a stressed out mess.

So, at about three, I get on the stand and testify for about 45 before the judge looks at his lawyer (mine went first) and says that she can't see why there is an emergency and calls the lawyers out of the courtroom. They all discuss it for a bit and come back with the situation we're in, which will last exactly 25 more days.

So, now, I guess I am in my very own "Jon and Kate situation" and my KIDS have exclusive rights to the house. Rifuckingdiculous!

It's the Climb

I am very, very anxious, very, very scared, very, very confused, and very, very a lot of things right now. Do. Not. Like. And I think I need somebody to hold my hand and help me through this and tell me exactly what to do and how to do it and not find fault with me and just be patient. Because I feel like, while I am pulling out of the depression, Kyle is trying to push me back in. Not fun. And no offense to my multiple long-distance friends, but I need a closer friend for this task.

Fortunately enough, I ran into Pastor Schmeiding's wife today at the library (who happens to be an old volleyball coach of mine), and she's gonna talk to him,and, of course, get a whole new church praying for the situation too. So, maybe, if a thousand more voices are praying for me, the answer will be revealed. We will see.

Best. Song. Evar!

"So What?!"-P!NK

I guess I just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent(nope)
I got a brand new attitude
And I'm gonna wear it tongiht
I'm gonna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight
Na na na na na na na
I wanna start a fight
I wanna start a fight

{CHORUS}
So...
So what!
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you
Tonight...
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So...
So what!
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

Check my flow (uhh)

The waiter just took my table
And gave it to Jessica Sim...(Shit)
I guess I'll go sit with drum boy
At least he knows how to hit (Whoops)
What if this song's on the radio?
Somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight
He's gonna start a fight
We're all gonna get in a fight

{CHORUS}
So...
So what!
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you
Tonight...
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So...
So what!
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

You weren't there
You never were
You want it all
But that's not fair
I gave you life
I gave my all
You we're there
You let me fall

{CHORUS}
So...
So what!
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you
Tonight...
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So...
So what!
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

NO no
No no
I don't want you tonight
You weren't there
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool

{CHORUS}
So...
So what!
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you
Tonight...
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So...
So what!
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

Ba da da da da da

The words that are bolded are EXACTLY how I feel about Mr. Kyle. EXACTLY! So, this song is my theme for this year. I'm taking that "Fuck you!" attitude and just rolling with it.

And I Like the Way It Feels

This next entry is completely hand written ( other than this). Deal with it!

Crash of Lightning, Roar of Thunder

Let's start with a funny story.

Kyle came by to fix something. Fine. But as he was leaving he says he wants to kiss the girls goodbye. WTF? He didn't even kiss them hello. I told him no. He just stared at me. I told him that he didn't need to kiss them goodbye when he didn't even kiss them hello (they were in the backyard playing). He just gave me this defeated look and went away. I WIN! I can't even believe I had the courage to do that!

Uh. I'm not sure what else I want to say.

I r teh gassy today. But then again I did start my period yday. EW!

I think I would kill to switch uteri and ovaries with the Cajun Queen. Honestly, is one month without so much to ask? Regularity is a killer. Hell, I'd totally be fine with never having another period again. Honestly, I would. I so don't need the equipment, but I just can't justify having a hysterectomy. It's not giving me problems. There's no PID or HPV. There's no cancer. NO REASON! -SCREAMS- The only complaint I really have (aside from the period) is that I never felt the ovulation this month. Very odd considering that I always feel it. ALWAYS. WTF up?!?!

I have to say that around dinner time yday, I was being silly and downright giddy due to not having to see that rat bastard tomorrow. I think I scared my mom. LOL. I was preparing redfish and dancing in the kitchen. I thought I was pretty entertaining. I even sang. Whatever, mom. That's how I show the happy.

BTW, I love the sappy "wrap-up" music of [scrubs]. And that's it.

snip snap snout.
this blog's told out.

Watson, I'm Coming Home

Might move to Watson, LA. More details to come later.

Today went basically how I expected it to go. Things took years to complete and Kyle got antsy and pissy with my lawyer. Haha. Troy shut him down in a hurry though. Troy don't play those mind games Mr. Manuel. But at about 11:30 we were single. He continues to pay bills and mortgage in lieu of child support for 6 months. After 6 months I will move out and the house will be sold. Then child support payments will begin. Well, there is more to it, but that's pretty much the jist.

And that's it for right now because I can't think. Children=demons. Will update later.