Insane in the Membrane

Agh! Why does he do that? Why? Why is it that every time I do/say something he thinks is cute all he does is just grin at me instead of saying so? And then why does he say "oh nothing" when I ask him what he's grinning about? Is it so hard to just say how cute he thinks I am? Really? He's got to know I know what those dumb grins mean. But even if I do, he could tell me. It's not like I'd reject him. He's got to know I like him as much as he likes me. If he read this blog, he'd know. I'm like thisclose to giving him he addy JUST to erase all doubt. Agh! Just agh!

Purging Can Cause Dehydration

Have I ever mentioned how sweet he is? Have I ever mentioned how deep and thoughtful he is?  Have I ever mentioned how I thank goddess I found him?  Have I? Well...have I?  Cause he is, all of that. And I do, almost everyday. I've never used the app since that day, but I haven't deleted it. Seeing it makes me smile. Yes, an app makes me giddy. This isn't the craziest thought I've had. I can't say what beat it out, but there has been plenty that has. Comes with the territory I suppose. 

I'm taking a break from writing my book at the moment, so, what do I do?  Write some more. Haha. Of course, this doesn't take much thought. I just type as I think it. Not much editing goes into it. I don't have to include previous entries in the new entries. It's so easy a monkey could do it. 

A monkey. Not a caveman. Hear that Geico? Monkey would have been a better choice. Monkeys don't often see your commercials. Not a lot of monkeys can read. But a caveman? A caveman still has electricity in his cave. A caveman can read. Duuuuuh!  I wish I had sat in on that meeting.  

But I digress... And I have to pee...haha 

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

So the year just started and I'm outside feezing. I can hear the fireworks, but alas, I cannot see them. Josh had to work tonight, but we've been emailing each other because I can't send or receive texts or phonecalls. But that's a whole new story. 

I have to get the kids at 1 this afternoon, and I really don't want to. I have a tire that's all fucked up. And it's not even the one I thought would be.  So I'm probably going to end up having to find some way to pay for two new tires. 

I hit a rock going like 50 not too long ago. I thought I was going to miss it, but I didn't. Surprise, surprise!  Anyway, I was a pretty big rock, and I heard a loud bam.  And then, the tire pressure light came on. And I was so pissed and go, "ya think?" Yes, I yelled at my dash. I'm partially insane, we know this. But, my goddess, how much bad news can a person take. I had just found out that I definitely wasn't going to become a regular associate at Macy's, Josh's brother had just died, I couldn't figure out how I was going to take that court-ordered parenting class, and I was trying to keep Kyle from putting two and two together about the living situation.  So, yeah, the rock sent me a little closer to the edge than it probably would have normally.  And the tire that's having issue isn't even near the one I hit. It's the total opposite tire! So, I'm going to have to find a way to pay for two new tires I'm sure by the time all of this is over. Plus I need an oil change, plus I need my tires rotated.  Thank goddess I don't need an alignment. I still need all this body work done too. My poor Moody Blue is almost two and already needs a makeover!  

And down comes the rain! Ack!

But I am so totally waiting up to wish Josh a Happy New Year whether he likes it or not!

Broken Toilets: A Stream of Consciousness Event

I'm mad at Kyle, very mad at Kyle.  He's ruining everything, again. Because of him, I can't move on. Because of him, Josh is holding back. Because of him, I can't even go the 3,000 miles to meet the light of my life. Because of his selfishness, he moved back in. Because he moved back in, our old divorce became null and void. If I hadn't of been for my rash actions, we'd just now be starting the countdown to a year apart. If it weren't for his lies, I'd be free. Free to live. Free to love. Free to move on. So, yes, I'll admit it. I'm mad at Kyle. This whole mess is his. And I'm the one cleaning it up. I'm the one coming behind him, once again, with the mop and the broom and making everything OK. Or at least trying to.  I'm doing my best, and of course, my best isn't up to his standards. But does he help me get them to his standards? NO!  He'd rather be a no-good pain-in-the-ass, as usual. And he gets rewarded. Life hands him golden ticket after golden ticket. He has the house. He has a fiancé. He doesn't have to struggle. Everything is handed to him on a silver platter. EVERYTHING! And I keep telling myself how I'll get my chance one day and how one day karma will get him. And I have to believe it because if I don't I'd probably sob for hours upon hours everyday. But seriously, I'm waiting, life. I'm here. With my arms wide open. And I'm waiting for anyhing you have to offer me, good or bad. But I'd prefer good because after awhile all the bad is going to start to smell like shit. And nobody likes that smell because that's the kind of stink that don't come out. And I'd really like to forget some of this. I'd like to put it behind me and never look back. Because looking back causes accidents. And we all know that accidents are bad and can kill people. And we all know that killing people is never a good thing because people like it when they continue to live. Breathing. Living. They are two different but two very good things. And that's why people like them. Yep. And that's the truth. The solid gold forever truth.   

She Shoots, She Scores

I should probably start posting these on the day I write them. I just had to change "today" to "yesterday" like three times in the last entry. Sheesh!

So, the book is coming along better than hoped. I don't have quite as many wods written as I had hoped, but the ideas for scenes keep coming. I think I just wrote my ending scene last night, though.  I'm going to have to write a lot of hickey scenes soon, so, the research really needs to begin. I also need to figure out what city to set it in. I know I has to be up North because we don't have hockey teams down here, and it should be a city that has a ice skating rink/ hockey arena and at least three hospitals, so, it needs to be a big city. I could make something up, I guess. If you have city name ideas, let me know.  Oh! And I need to name the team and a rival team.  I'll let you know when I figure out these details. 

I went to visit the NaNoWriMo website last night and I realized that I don't have Internet on my computer yet. Oops!  I've been having a lot of those blond moments here lately. I MUST be falling in love. They happen more frequently if I'm falling. Although, I'm pretty sure I already fell, but whatever.  I just wish I knew what he's thinking. He's kinda hard to read lately. Must be the whole mourning thing. I've never really experienced it from this angle before. It's a whole new ballgame when it's a boyfriend. 

Kyle never lost anyone while we were together, not really. Angel (his dog) didn't  die until after we were separated, I think. And besides, a brother and and a dog are NOT the same. No matter how much you humanize it.  A dog is a dog. And yes, that is gonnna sound mean. And yes, I get the whole "part of the family" bit, but you just can't get that close to a dog. A dog can't tell you stories. You can't take a dog out to a movie.  You see where I'm going here. A pet is a pet, and that is all. Yes, you can love them, but they just don't love you back as a brother or sister would. -jumps off soapbox- Sorry. Got caught up. 

I just want it to be Friday. That is when the munchkins return. I just wish I could remember if I'm supposed to get then or if he's dropping them off. I should probably ask. I swear, though, if he acts like I'm an idiot for asking I'm not going to be too pleasant. I have a lot on my mind, and while I love my kids, knowing who is picking up/dropping off is not a priority. That's just the way it is.  End of story.

The Incredible Edible Egg

Got about 900 words written yesterday. I'm shooting for about 50,000. I think that's how many you're supposed to do with NaNoWriMo. I forget. 

I'm kinda bored. 

Josh was texting me when he went to see Sherlock Holmes today. It was awesome. Of course it was just before he went. And then he helped me with some grammar and spelling issues I was having while writing. Turns out he got the card today. That makes me very happy. I thought it was taking an awful long time to get there. I thought maybe it wasn't going to before 2009 ended. Lol. Sheesh!

I had a weird sex dream that had me questioning things.  But enough about that because nobody really cares. Besides, Tiana basically banned me from exploring the option or bringing it up any further. Yeah. That isn't going to make sense, but this is for me. It'll remind me to just say no.  Shut-up. 

I decided Sunday to spend the cards for the girls and then wrap the gifts and write who they were from on them. So, I got Camy a replica of Sam's remote from iCarly and some Hello Kitty dolls and I got Jayde a 24" girraffe and a coffee maker playset. Then they each got a recyclable tote bag.  Anyway, I wrapped all that yesterday.  It was interesting. I'm very badly out of practice when it comes to wrapping.

What else? Blogging everyday is hard and leaves me with nothing to say. Har. 

I didn't bring up the NYE thing to Josh. I don't know how. I also don't know how to tell him I miss his voice, so any help would be awesome. 

I think I'm done for today.  

You Wanna Learn Spanish? Take the Bus!

So, I figured out new way to blog. Write the entries on the notepad and then copy/paste them to blogger. No way am I going to text them any more. It's a pain to fix that shit if I go over so many characters. And I'm going to blog everyday until the end of 2009. 

I'm feeling better today. Josh seems better, too.  

Went to the post office today, and the machine that lets you buy stamps with coins/cash is gone.  I just wanted to mail a card and my resume'. Eighty- eight cents!  No need to use a debit card. Fwah!  Thank goddess there was someone there who could help. I gave him the money and he put the stamps on the envelopes. So nice! But seriously, who does away with the stamp machine? Argh!

I was feeling/looking so pretty today.  I love days like that!  I got some new shampoo and conditioner and it makes my hair feel/look ah-maazing. 

What else?  I didn't start writing my script, yet.  I'll probably have a character list to share tomorrow, though. I want to begin work on it as soon as possible.  

Sadness And Confusion And Weirdness. Oh My!

So, ok. I've been kinda feeling off. Josh's brother died on the 16th, and since then we've both been a little off. He was coming out of it a little, but then the funeral was the 23rd. So, we're both back to feeling off. I'm so glad Christmas is over, though. Maybe we can both come out of by New Year's Eve. 

I really wish I could have spent today with him. And I really wish I could spend next weekend wih him. -sigh-  This relationship keeps getting more and more complicated.  Maybe he will call me around midnight on NYE and we can "spend" midnight together. Of course, that's assuming he's off of work. I hate his schedule. The end. 

I'm going to pick up my second to last check tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't have to give the whole thing to my mom. She paid for the last of santa's gifts. I still have to get hair dye, an lbd, and my gifts to the girls. I'm going to get them each a stuffed toy, panda for Cam and giraffe for Jayde. Or maybe Camy would like an elephant instead. Idunno. I think I'll ask. Lol. 

The girls each got $30 Toys 'R' Us cards from the Eskews. That was extremely nice of them, since they aren't doing all that much better than we are. I haven't decided if I'm just gonna pick up their gifts or let them. Either way, it's gonna take forever. Har. I also have like $13 from last christmas for Camy. I'm thinking I'll do that and get something for the dollhouse. Yep. Yep. 

I've decided that I'm gonna write a script and send it to Kevin Smith.  Yep.  Lol. He hasn't written his new movie, yet. I know shit about hockey, but I can research.  Haha. Someone should probably let Mr. Smith know that a crazy girl from Lousiana will be penning HIT SOMEBODY for him. 

Yes, I am in a weird ass mood. So, there.  

Vulnerability and Boys

I hate that overwhelmed feeling I sometimes get while working. The last two days I almost started crying at work. Thank goddess for Shaun. He got me through it quite nicely. But did I tell Josh about Shaun? Sorta kinda. I told him I made a fwiend at work, and when he asked for details, I changed the subject. Is that wrong? I'm thinking it's not. But I'm also wondering why I don't want him to know. Interesting. To be continued...

Well, Isn't THIS Interesting?

What is it about him calling me "suze" that instantly melts me? Anytime he says it I'm just left in a puddle going, "whatever you want, dear." And I'm pretty sure he knows this because he does it quite often. We were fake fighting about snuggies the other day and he says something that ended with "suze" and I was like "ok, you win". It's that simple. But it's only him. Anybody else calls me that and they get "the look". Lol. Nobody had called me that in years until he did. They all knew better. It's the same with "Susie", which, thankfully he hasn't done yet. Not sure how I'll react. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll probably melt then, too. I ain't wrapped around his pinky or anything...

525,600 Minutes

Reason# 375825 Why Josh Rocks:

Josh: Whatcha doing?
Me: Enjoying a pain free minute.
Josh: Good good
Me: nvm. That just ended
Josh: Poopy
Me: -whimpers- make it stop!
Aleve hasn't kicked in yet.
Josh: Wish I could :/
Me: I can't even sleep
I am not amused
Josh: I'm sorry suze
Me: Who would have thought that the console from a 2008 dodge avenger could be so dangerous?
Josh: Be careful
Me: Yeah ish too late for that advice

Dancing in the Moonlight

"I could really grow to like you. It's a shame you're way over there, since I sure as hell am not moving anywhere, and you're in the situation you're in". -swoon- That is all.

We're Just a Couple of Misfits

Enamored. Twitterpated. Lovestruck. Infatuated. Smitten. No matter how you spin it, I am becoming more and more head over heels everyday. The more we talk to more I want to talk. My head spins after every phonecall. I smile during every texting session. I grin like a schoolgirl at the thought of him. And I'd like to keep him forever because it's not often you find somebody willing to do anything for you. Somebody who calls you "doll". Somebody who wants to rescue you just as much as you want rescuing. He can't give me the world. And I wouldn't want him to. I want to be his world. And have him be mine and just be happy being "poor". This is what "ever after" is made of. I haven't ever felt like this before. And it is ah-maazing!

The Man in the Moon

Texting. It all began with texting. And it quickly moved into emails and picture sharing. And now it's moved into phonecalls and panic attacks. I wasn't expecting phonecalls. Not yet. He took it there. On his way to work yesterday. -sigh- WITHOUT prompting. Don't mind me if I dance all night.

Joshy Woshy Has No Hair

Staying up until 3:30 am and talking all day is not something you do with "just" friends. Just sayin'. And I am really happy.

Woke up this morning thinking it was Monday. Was shocked to find out that, no, it is Tuesday. Oops!

Breathing Is a Good Thing

Reminder to self: Do not jump in with your whole heart, yet. It could be dangerous to your health, your mental health. That is all.

It's a Love/Hate Relationship

I hate how I seem to be becoming more attached to him by the minute. And I hate how he acts like he can take me or leave me one minute and the next he's texting me to ask how my day was or how I slept last night. I love how honest and candid he is with me. And I love how comfortable I am around him to just be myself. I hate how hurt he's been in the past and how it's affected him more than he'll admit. I hate how damaged he thinks he is. I love that he's the tidy one of the house. And I love how he takes time out to go camping for five days at a time. I hate how he's got such a hold on me that I stay up nights to talk to him. And I hate how I'm just spilling all of this out. But most of all, I hate the distance and I know, for a fact, that he does, too. And it hurts. So bad.