Purging Can Cause Dehydration

Have I ever mentioned how sweet he is? Have I ever mentioned how deep and thoughtful he is?  Have I ever mentioned how I thank goddess I found him?  Have I? Well...have I?  Cause he is, all of that. And I do, almost everyday. I've never used the app since that day, but I haven't deleted it. Seeing it makes me smile. Yes, an app makes me giddy. This isn't the craziest thought I've had. I can't say what beat it out, but there has been plenty that has. Comes with the territory I suppose. 

I'm taking a break from writing my book at the moment, so, what do I do?  Write some more. Haha. Of course, this doesn't take much thought. I just type as I think it. Not much editing goes into it. I don't have to include previous entries in the new entries. It's so easy a monkey could do it. 

A monkey. Not a caveman. Hear that Geico? Monkey would have been a better choice. Monkeys don't often see your commercials. Not a lot of monkeys can read. But a caveman? A caveman still has electricity in his cave. A caveman can read. Duuuuuh!  I wish I had sat in on that meeting.  

But I digress... And I have to pee...haha 

Broken Toilets: A Stream of Consciousness Event

I'm mad at Kyle, very mad at Kyle.  He's ruining everything, again. Because of him, I can't move on. Because of him, Josh is holding back. Because of him, I can't even go the 3,000 miles to meet the light of my life. Because of his selfishness, he moved back in. Because he moved back in, our old divorce became null and void. If I hadn't of been for my rash actions, we'd just now be starting the countdown to a year apart. If it weren't for his lies, I'd be free. Free to live. Free to love. Free to move on. So, yes, I'll admit it. I'm mad at Kyle. This whole mess is his. And I'm the one cleaning it up. I'm the one coming behind him, once again, with the mop and the broom and making everything OK. Or at least trying to.  I'm doing my best, and of course, my best isn't up to his standards. But does he help me get them to his standards? NO!  He'd rather be a no-good pain-in-the-ass, as usual. And he gets rewarded. Life hands him golden ticket after golden ticket. He has the house. He has a fiancé. He doesn't have to struggle. Everything is handed to him on a silver platter. EVERYTHING! And I keep telling myself how I'll get my chance one day and how one day karma will get him. And I have to believe it because if I don't I'd probably sob for hours upon hours everyday. But seriously, I'm waiting, life. I'm here. With my arms wide open. And I'm waiting for anyhing you have to offer me, good or bad. But I'd prefer good because after awhile all the bad is going to start to smell like shit. And nobody likes that smell because that's the kind of stink that don't come out. And I'd really like to forget some of this. I'd like to put it behind me and never look back. Because looking back causes accidents. And we all know that accidents are bad and can kill people. And we all know that killing people is never a good thing because people like it when they continue to live. Breathing. Living. They are two different but two very good things. And that's why people like them. Yep. And that's the truth. The solid gold forever truth.   

Out of Sorts

I feel so out of sorts right now.

Jessie told me that we need to take this thing easy. Make it more casual. And that basically, I am not marriage material. Because I've already had kids and he feels like he's paying for my sins. And that he wants a clean slate. Which was one of my biggest fears. But I was ok with it. WAS. Today, I'm just feeling rejected, and like I'm having an out-of-body experience. It seems so surreal. I thought...I don't know. I don't want to get married again. I was so not ready to be in a serious relationship again, but then my heart did that butterfly thing. And I told him I wasn't sure it wasn't just infatuation at first. And I don't know if it really is love anyway, but I'm pretty sure he's scared out of his mind especially if he's been reading these blog's because sometimes I feel like I feel things so intensely that I am a little intense at times and he told me that I'm playing all my cards at once and I don't know how else to play this and I have absolutely no mystery and whatever and I so don't feel like a woman anymore. And yay for run-ons! And of course the same old story of not having confidence and at least p made an effort to try and build me up and tell me how awesome i am even if he was lying. and i guess he sorta did that the other night and yeah i need to get out more i know. i know. but that requires going out into public and being seen and not trying to hide which i am good at. really. if i could do a job from my corner. that would be awesome. i don't like people looking at me. ever. i love sex with the lights off. i love the dark. and i never used to be this way before kyle. iloved to be looked at i loved when guys tripped over themselves around me. even at 15, i had power and then after kyle it all fell apart i gained a lot of weight and lost my confidence. the bigger i get the less confidence i have and i wish i could be like queen latifah and toccara really i do they exhume confidence and they are big but me im just shrinking in that departmen. and my energy level is that of a sloth lately and i used to have a lot of energy people used to tell me to slow down and now ive slowed down too much i feel so...not me. i miss the old susan. the susan of 10 years ago the one who would tell you to your face where to stick it the susan that got into trouble for her mouth all the time the not so timid susan i miss her she ate herself into oblivion and now im afraid it's too late to find her.