I Wish...

I don't want to stay here. I really don't. But I don't really want to go. I don't want to leave my mother behind, again. I can't. I can't let her stay here and have her health deteriorate and be 6 hours away. I just can't. So, if I can put off moving until a few years down the line, then that's fine.

But if she wants to move with me...that'd be better. That'd be so picture perfect. That'd be so ideal. We'd all be close to the whole family and it wouldn't kill us just to visit them. The family could become close again. We could be a real family again.

Our family used to be thisclose but now...Now we're in separate worlds. And it hurts. It hurts bad. I want my family back. My whole family back. Nay. I NEED my whole family back. NEED!

I need as much love and as many hearts with me as I can get right now. I can get through this just fine, but I need my family with me to push me through. I thought being selfish was the ticket. Move and be alone.

But now I realize that family is what I need. And yes, it is still selfish. But it's not as much as it was.

I need proper time to close chapters in my life. The truth of the matter is I could lose three "adult" influences. And soon.

My mother. Who, I always wanted to be like. In spirit. She never quit. Never. When people said she was too dumb to do nursing school, she went anyway. When people told her that she couldn't work as a nurse any more, she found a way. When they pushed her out and left her in the cold, she moved on. And when times got tough, she got tougher. And now, at 53, with 5 herniated discs, permanent nerve damage in her leg, a gob of heart and breathing problems, she needs me. I don't need her any more. Not in the sense that she has to take care of me.

It's my turn. I have to take responsibility and take care of my mother. I'm much younger than I ever thought I would be doing this, but that's life. I have to suck it up and just do it. I'm 25. Time to be a real woman. Mom, this one's for you:

"And it's run for the roses
As fast as you can
Your fate is delivered
Your moment's at hand
It's the chance of a lifetime
In a lifetime of chance
And it's high time you joined
In the dance
It's high time you joined
In the dance --"-Dan Fogelberg-"Run for the Roses"

My Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike is quite unique. You know that weird uncle you have? Yeah. Uncle Mike is him. Only weirder. Yes, he's arrogant. Yes, he's a pain. And yes, of course, he's a know-it-all. But honestly. I wouldn't have him any other way. And he was put on a pacemaker/defibrilator last summer. His heart works at 10%. He's ready to go. We're not ready to let him go. Uncle Mike and I have always had a rocky relationship. Pretty much because I wouldn't do things his way. Yeah. I'm as stubborn as he is. I'll admit it. We used to butt heads constantly. But I really do love the son of a bitch. Steven Hyde? Yeah. That's pretty much Uncle Mike. When it comes to musical taste, that is. And he's freaking smart, just ask him. He's the only guy I know that ever WANTED to become a CPA. Words aren't enough to give you the full picture. So, I'm going to shut up and sing.

"And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How evrything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll."-"Stairway to Heaven-Led Zeppelin

My Aunt Sheila. Aunt Sheila is a "forever child". She's my mother's sister,but it's like she's also mine. Because her brain didn't develop all the way. She has brain damage and is mentally retarded. She has Kearne-Sayers Syndrome, and some other things. Basically her brain is being eaten from the inside out. If you look at a CT scan of hers it's like somebody took a painbrush and just painted it white starting in the middle of her brain and going down her sprine. She has her good days, and her bad days. But even her good days are getting bad. Breathing is harder. Thinking is harder. Moving is harder. It's auto-immune. So it's like Lupus, but on fast forward and without the joint pain. She doesn't see the bad in anybody. Always the good. She isn't programmed that way. She's Christian in every sense of the word. If you need a hug. Just ask her for one. She'll give it to you. In a heartbeat. She's not stingy. In any way. Her Christian attitude is so strong, I was going to give her my hair when we thought it was a tumor/cancer. I was so moved by her spirit that I was willing to give up my pride. So, here's to her:

"Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so."-"Jesus Loves Me"- Unknown.

And there they are. Three reasons. Three influences. Three special people. Three chapters to close. This is why I need to move.

Change of Heart

I think God may be pushing me in the direction of Memphis. Memphis would pretty much rock. At least for a while. It's closer to my extended family. And pretty much in the lap of my bestie. I'm looking at houses and I see a lot of options. A lot more than SC presented. My mom suggested that we only go about half the distance JIC. So, I started looking in the Memphis area, and it's great. Plus, Memphis is big enough to present me with enough job opportunities. My goal of working at St. Jude is so close right now. And the U of M is RIGHT THERE. God answers prayers. It may not be the answer you're looking for, but he answers prayers. I am really excited!

She Keeps Pulling My Hair

Stuffy nose? Check. Sore throat? Check. Aches and pains? Check and check. Phlegm? Very much so check.

Yes. I am sick. Again. I hate winter for this very reason. Lowered immunity is teh sux.

I r tiredz. Need sleep. Can't think.

Talked to my mom. Seems ok with the big move. Says that if I think I need it then it's okay. I r teh confuzed. Y her not say I only fink it what I r needing? Weird.

I needz to stop talking like a cat. And I need to find a coat. The coat I was SUPPOSED to get isn't being made any more? Stupid. So now I have to find another brown coat. Farking!

Don't you just love how my titles never seem to match the content? Yeah that's on purpose to make you read. Does it work?

Um...so, that's it. Mondays are boring.

Snip snap snout
This blog's told out

What Color Are Beavers?

I just want to say that I am gassy! So look out!

My sinuses are being mean to me again. And so are my children, but that is a different story entirely.

I pretty much want somebody to conk me on the head and knock me out for a few days. I don't think I can handle whiny little voices a day longer. This weekend the kids were absolute brats. Let's leave it at that.

I'm not even really stressing about a job any more. I'm really into this SC thing. They have tons of shit to do there and many of them are FREE! And as Vicki said, there is a USC campus nearby. It's about 40 minutes NE of Greenville. I LOOOOOOVE IT! I think I'm going to make the leap. I just need a weekend to hop over there and look at places. I really really think Greenville is the place for me. I'm going to be praying over it, and I ask that you do the same. Pray that God give me a sign either in favor of going or in favor of staying. I'll take either even though what I want to go is get away from everybody, which would include my mom. I just want to clear up any miscommunication I had before. My mom lives in Baton Rouge, as do I. SC is 10 hours AWAY from her. Not sure if I made that clear. I really don't WANT to be that far, but if I have to be to have peace of mind, I will.

Right now I need to get my mind straight. Then I can think about others. This is solely selfish. I am aware, but if I don't take care of me, who will? I just need to take care of Susan right now. I need to get out of the habit of doing whatever I'm told. I did that the whole time I was with Kyle. The whole reason we moved back here was because HE thought it would be good. NOT because I really wanted to. I wasn't given a choice. Anything we did, was because HE thought it was what we needed. NEVER once did he ask me. Not that I would have told him the truth. Not that it would have matter. Get it? So, yeah. I need a little selfish time. If you can't support that, you're in the wrong place.

I just want to give a shout out to muh girls, Rach, Nik, and Desi. They are my guiding light. They are my soul. They are the very people that keep me sane. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but these girls...I cherish them very much. So, go visit their blogs. Rach Desi Nik And while you're at it, check out the forum site where we all met, BijouxMB. Tell them True.Blue; sent you. Nik and Rach are super admins and co-creators, desi is an admin, and I am a super mod. Very great place. Also take a look at QuarantineMB. Tell them that Queen;Bee sent you. It's another pretty good forum site I visit. They're both a close knit group of gals. We'd love to have ya.

And that's pretty much it.

Snip, snap, snout,
This blog's told out!

Crash of Lightning, Roar of Thunder

Let's start with a funny story.

Kyle came by to fix something. Fine. But as he was leaving he says he wants to kiss the girls goodbye. WTF? He didn't even kiss them hello. I told him no. He just stared at me. I told him that he didn't need to kiss them goodbye when he didn't even kiss them hello (they were in the backyard playing). He just gave me this defeated look and went away. I WIN! I can't even believe I had the courage to do that!

Uh. I'm not sure what else I want to say.

I r teh gassy today. But then again I did start my period yday. EW!

I think I would kill to switch uteri and ovaries with the Cajun Queen. Honestly, is one month without so much to ask? Regularity is a killer. Hell, I'd totally be fine with never having another period again. Honestly, I would. I so don't need the equipment, but I just can't justify having a hysterectomy. It's not giving me problems. There's no PID or HPV. There's no cancer. NO REASON! -SCREAMS- The only complaint I really have (aside from the period) is that I never felt the ovulation this month. Very odd considering that I always feel it. ALWAYS. WTF up?!?!

I have to say that around dinner time yday, I was being silly and downright giddy due to not having to see that rat bastard tomorrow. I think I scared my mom. LOL. I was preparing redfish and dancing in the kitchen. I thought I was pretty entertaining. I even sang. Whatever, mom. That's how I show the happy.

BTW, I love the sappy "wrap-up" music of [scrubs]. And that's it.

snip snap snout.
this blog's told out.

Waiting for Midnight

Yeah. I was so totally waiting for midnight so I could post again without looking crazy. Three a day is a bit obsessive. LOL

I've been really looking at this moving thing seriously. So seriously that I am considering Greenville, SC. What? I can afford it!

I have a lot of research left to do, but at least I figured out that the housing isn't bad and is something I can afford. I still have to figure out if A.) the court will let me move there, B.) how the school system is, and C) how close it is to a university. I don't even know what the state college in SC is called. Haha. I only know that they are called the GameCocks. Har. I thought they were the TarHeels. I told my mom I didn't mind being a TarHeel. Her response? "That's NORTH Carolina, Susan!" Oops! So, I have a lot to look at. Plus, I have to find out if they even HAVE Apparel Design as a major. There's a lot to think about. I has six months, though. Not too much time, but enough to push me into gear. I pretty much owe the progress I have made to Desi. I LURVE my Cajun Queen!

I going to bed now. Need rest so that I can have enough steam to do more research.

Oh. And the every other weekend begins this weekend. Nice. But that means that I get them two weekends in a row. Yep. I get them first. No Kyle until Sunday at 5. Very nice.

A Funny List

The Top 10 Best LOLZ Cats Ever:

10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.

And two bonus LOLZ Cats that didn't make it to the countdown:

Desirae: She'll Kick You Into Shape Too.

Alright, Ms. Desi. You win. To school I go. You may be 4'11'', but to be honest, your bark is farking scary. And guess what? School is considered a job. I win! But I still need to find a house and a paying job. Even if it's p/t. I think I'll add that to my applications and change it on my resume.

Actually, I take that back. Maybe I'll take that non-pharmaceutical job I was offered. I didn't tell anybody, but an insurance company offered me a job. I was thinking of taking it. But then again, I don't know jack about insurance or the selling thereof. We'll see. I really need to check my email more often. Har.

Oh and I just figured out why Prince barks. Haha. It's not to go pee-pee or poo-poo. It's to sleep. If you turn on the light when he's trying to sleep, you get barked out. I just turned off the light and he stopped. And when I went back in, he was curled up trying to sleep. He's so human. Can't sleep with the lights on. So cute! Now, if I could just figure out his signal for potty time, we'd be in business.

Speaking of sleeping, I think Jayde just passed out on the couch. Or at least she is trying to. It's hard to sleep when you're wearing wings. LMAO. She's dressed as a ladybug right now. She's ladybug crazy! Which is a good thing, since she collects them. She tells me she is a Ladybug Princess all the time.

I just want to squish her cheeks. Although, she really doesn't have that baby fat on her cheeks any more. Camy does, but Jayde is so thin. Then again, Camy used to be that thin too. My kids go through stages. Jayde used to be pudgy. Camy used to be thin. Now, they have switched. Although, I don't expect Jayde to get pudgy again any time soon. She doesn't eat enough. She just likes to drink.

I wish I had her appetite. I could lose so much weight using her to model my eating after. Right now she is enjoying popsicles for lunch. She's pretty much just drinking them. Pops and Diego. What a winning combo!

Ok, so the sleepy time feeling passed her. She's bouncing around now. What'd that last? Five minutes? Blah. I wish I had her energy. I'd so work-out all the time. Ah. To be 3 again...

Speaking of 3, I don't know what I'm going to do for her birthday. She actually doesn't turn three until the 28th, but I hasn't the foggiest idea what I am doing for it or if I'm even going to do anything. It slipped by on me last year, and it may squeak by unnoticed again. I just don't have the funds right now. Funny. I didn't have the funds last year either. I sense a pattern here. Work/school for 7-8 months, look for a job for 5 months. Ew. That's going to suck. I don't have 5 months to be outta work. Just pray my next job lasts longer. Like two years at least. I NEED STABILITY! The kids NEED stability!

I'll just keep chanting "Go to school!" to myself. Pump myself up. Keep those bad thoughts out and not psych myself out. Just say no to self-sabotage!

I'm Just Bored, Really

Honestly, I have to pee and I'm really kind of tired. I don't like this waking up in the morning thing. Got up before 7 two mornings in a row. DOES. NOT. WANT.

You know what else I does not want. Another baby. I thought I might, but right now I don't. It's weird. Don't know if Kyle's thought process sneaked into my mind or if I'm really happy with just two. I might just adopt a boy. But really, I don't know if I even want to do that.

On a different note, I need a cure-all for dandruff. Mine is bad. "Mommy, it's snowing from your head." Yeah. I know.

Man, I am sleepy. WTF? I pretty much can't think I'm so tired. Nappy time!

Watson, I'm Coming Home

Might move to Watson, LA. More details to come later.

Today went basically how I expected it to go. Things took years to complete and Kyle got antsy and pissy with my lawyer. Haha. Troy shut him down in a hurry though. Troy don't play those mind games Mr. Manuel. But at about 11:30 we were single. He continues to pay bills and mortgage in lieu of child support for 6 months. After 6 months I will move out and the house will be sold. Then child support payments will begin. Well, there is more to it, but that's pretty much the jist.

And that's it for right now because I can't think. Children=demons. Will update later.